A Different Shade of the Same Color

My parents and sister are in cars on the way to their new home in Texas and I am sitting in my dorm room feeling rather... homeless. Four years in that house, in that bed, in that town. I'll never see that basement again where we got a little too crazy a few too many times. Nor will I sit on that roof again where I used to sit and stare up at the sky, straining to see invisible stars as I wondered why I was on this rock instead of any of those.

I live a new life now, I guess. I don't really know how I feel about it. I'm feeling too much right now and at the same time, I feel rather numb. I feel like things are just happening and I am floating along with their current.

I can't even think straight with my mind all wrapped up in you, but you don't even exist anymore.

Vectors, Kinematics, and Deadly Elevators

College is really weird. It's weird not having a home. It's weird being with people all the time. It's weird having to care so much about class. Mostly, I guess it's weird not being a kid anymore. I like it... most of it. It's fun. But it's weird. There is no familiarity. There is no security. I miss my friends and I miss my home. I miss my childhood. But at least it's fun.

I think I'd be having the time of my life if I wasn't hoping to see your face on every girl I pass. I am ready to be sad about something else.

Nice Try

I just finished packing my drum set away along with my last bit of childhood and high school experience. All my stuff is packed and ready to venture to the next level of education with me. I found that I have a lot of extra baggage, and I don't think it's going to fit in the car with me. All of the heartache and heartbreak I suffered in high school are just gonna have to stay behind. All of this cynicism and angst aren't going to fit in the trunk of the car. So here's to new beginnings and all that stuff. Let's hope I learned from my mistakes and that I make something of myself. And let's hope I don't lose the parts of me that make me me.

Farewell, high school years. You were fun. You were difficult. You made me happy and you made me miserable. But you made me who I am.

Thanks to anyone who ever interacted with me in any way. Whether it was a conversation, a hello in the hallway, a passing insult, an epic fight, a meaningful friendship, a broken heart, or a missed appointment. You've helped shape me and prepare me for whatever the hell I'm supposed to be prepared for.

"Tonight we dance, for tomorrow they release the dogs."

Konstantly

"And I was thinking, what I was thinking
But we've been drinking
And it doesn't get me anywhere"

...This is to a girl who got into my head

With all these pretty things she did"

It's funny the way things work out... yeah, funny. All that you can really do sometimes is laugh at life. It keeps your lips from being able to form the words that you're really thinking. The questions you ask are drowned in the sea of sound and get nowhere on their mission of retrieving answers. In my head though, my mind paces the floor uncontrollably and unconsolably. And I can't stop myself from wondering "what if?" and I can't stop asking myself why this keeps happening to me and it just sucks that it's just too late.

"Did you know I miss you?"

Confusion with a 'C'

I usually have something to say when I write here, but not tonight. I just have a head full of worries. I've been so angry at the system lately. They stick us together for four years and force friendship upon us just so they can tear it apart. Time keeps moving despite my protests. I will never understand why people do the things they do and why the world works the way it does. It's all just so unfair. I guess I'm just selfish. I want things to work out my way, but is it so bad to ask for one damn victory?

I hate being on bad terms with people. I hate it even more when I don't know why.

Horseshoes and Hand Grenades

Time is relentless. After all that chasing and searching I did over the years, what I wanted finally just appeared in front of me. It was just as beautiful as I had always imagined. I heard stories and I had dreams of what it would actually be like and there it was, at last within arms' reach. I tried to grab it, but time had no intention of letting me taste this fruit that I had been waiting for for so long. Time told me that it was too late. Frustration grew and culminated in an explosion of anger, confusion, and hunger. I hated time. I hated the world for its cruel ways.

I suppose you can't fight time though. It will always win. I just hope when it said, "no" that it meant, "not yet."

Another unfortunate event for my own series. Wrong place, wrong time, wrong person. There is no blame to place. The timing was misplaced, unfortunately.

But the thing about time is that even though it cuts deeply, it heals all wounds. And I sincerely hope that it heals the both of us.

"Goodbye my love

You're brought back but you're running
I'll find sleep in the end tonight
I can't shake this little feeling
I'll never say anything right"

-bn

Remember?

Remember pre-school when the only events on our schedules were snack time and nap time? The most worrisome task we had was not to mess up when playing mother may I.

Remember when girls were gross and recess was the most important class of the day? When school was more fun than being at home?

Remember when all you wanted to do was play four-square on the black top with the girl you were going to marry?

Remember when you started hearing that school was important and you had to start paying attention and filling up your head with facts and figures and forget about moments and feelings?

Remember when you were assigned a number and that became your identity? Remember when you began to question why? Then that girl walked by and you lost your train of thought.

Remember when life became more meaningful than school? When you were more concerned with girls, friends, and fun?

Remember when you realized that the world isn't perfect and life isn't fair?

Remember when you got your heart broken?

Remember that time when you were exactly where you were supposed to be with exactly who you were supposed to be with and nothing in the entire world mattered to you except for that one moment?

Remember when they told you this wouldn't last forever?

Remember when you said goodbye to your best friend?

Remember when you said goodbye to all of your friends?

Remember when you did all of this because you were told to?

Barbarian Shop

I just got my final haircut before college. My haircut lady (Ann) finished her work and removed that weird gown thing, and I was overcome with a strange realization. I was leaving. Leaving that place was more difficult than most of my goodbyes with my friends have been. I realized that this lady has seen me grow up more than any one of my friends. She has been there for me longer than any of them too. It was so strange how something and someone and some place that I so seldom think of has been so meaningful to me.

Women came in for walk-ins. They just wanted quick trims. I couldn't help but think, "This isn't your territory. This is my home." This place is home. And now I'm leaving. And I have to find a new home.

Falling with Style

Here we stand atop a cliff. We look down and see no end to the drop. The scary part is that we all know we are going to jump. What's even scarier is we don't know where we'll land. We spent four years racing toward the edge as fast as we could, but it still caught us all off guard somehow. Now we are stopped, fearing the inevitable fall into fate. We join hands and hold on as long as we can, but time is going to provide the necessary push to send us on our way.

We look into each other's eyes and say our goodbyes. It's time to go. We shed our final tears and we leave. We leave everything on that cliff and plunge head first into our new homes. And we hope that we survive the fall. And we hope that the valleys below are prettier than the fields we used to play in. And we hope that we don't lose hope.

Bridge

If I just had more time, things could have been different. If I knew what I know now, I would have known what to do.

If I had known who I was, I wouldn't have been so afraid.

If I had known who you were, I wouldn't have wasted my time.

If I had known that there was nothing magical behind those eyes, I would have closed mine.

If I had known this was all just a game, I would not have played.

If I had known what my mind would do to me, I wouldn't have thought about it so much.

I wonder where I'm going. But if knew that, the journey wouldn't be any fun.

Peace of Cake

"No one's laughing at God when they see the one they love hand in hand with someone else and they hope that they're mistaken."

Sometimes I think there are more important things to write about and more important things to do and more important things to do than write and more important things to do than to write about doing. Try explaining that to me, though.

You all know who you are and you all know what you've done and you all know what you're doing. And I know who is responsible and I know what you're up to and I know that it's coming and I know I don't deserve it.

I found myself terrified today to find that I only found myself at peace when I was in bed, head under the covers, with the ambience of my fan and my laptop singing it's sweet lullabies.