Still Stuck

Tonight was the big dance. The first year semi-formal. The BIG DAY. Only it wasn't a big day. It was such an insignificant dot on our busy collegiate radars that I decided whether or not to attend less than two hours beforehand. I found myself reminded of high school and its dances and how my emotions and state of being were so affected by the events that transpired as the ripples of their disruptive splashes into our lives.

I miss the obsession. I liked how much time everyone spent preparing for and talking about these stupid, pointless dances and how the girls spent hours getting ready. The stress gave us something to worry about and the prospects of success gave us something to dream about. Now, due to what I guess is some form of maturity, no one cares about dumb school dances. At least the familiar awkwardness still abounds.

My thoughts throughout wound through a crowd of missed opportunities. Those whom I had longed to share moments with stole the moments of the present away from my attention. Too bad so few of them ever knew it, and even fewer really cared.

My priorities are grossly misplaced.

Hollow Bones

We make choices, so many choices. We see roads and we choose the ones to take. We think the right road will lead to the right place; things can change, and things can be different. If only I pick the right road. These places, however, that these roads take us to all share the same inherent inadequacies that are perceived by my pessimistic perception of the planet.

The grass won't be greener until it is no longer juxtaposed with the things that are painted by the greenness of the envy that I cover everything in. Not until the here-and-now outweigh the then and what-could-have-been will I dance again. It's self created and self perpetuated and my mind is my greatest enemy.

I will continue to build my army, but with all the force and no inspiration, I am headed down a road with no destination. Show yourself, my love, and I will run to you, and I will dance with you.

Conspirate

A man once told me to "question everything".

Things are not always as they seem. Face value is worthless. For some reason, I'm a radical, or an extremist, for questioning the way things work. To question an establishment is to be a crazy person. I believe that an open mind is worth more than most admirable qualities, and the ability to see different perspectives is priceless. Don't call me a fool for finding the fallacies when you are equally foolish in believing the blasphemy. Your beautiful America is not a place of purity and goodness. It is just as corrupt as man.

"I'm a human being goddamn it. My life has value!"

Immobilization

Stress piles up. I'll climb to the top and look out onto the scene below. There's nothing to see but the distressing lack of pleasure left in this place. The location is only a metaphor for what we're really doing and the pleasure is nothing more than an idea that once existed in a fleeting way.

Call me cynical. I'll agree with you. But I'll still stand against everything I'm supposed to stand for. I'm stuck to the past by some adhesive that represents my nostalgia in some abstract and artistic way. I hold on to pain as pain is synonymous with the time I wish to do over again, and do a better job with. I am a living contradiction of rationality. The journey of my pursuit of happiness will never even begin if I can't figure out what it is that I long for.

"Love is the answer until you get cancer. Then you're lying, dying, dead."

Hysterically Accurate

We've all got our stories.

Once upon a time, there was a boy who had learned a lot but was still quite ignorant. When he received the call, he answered and climbed the mountain without fear in the moon's light. By conquering the evils at the peak, he proved his righteousness, but received none of the rewards he felt he had earned. The princess he saved remained in her castle with a feeling of guilt for her lack of gratitude, but remained motionless. She had more hedonistic matters to attend to. The boy turned away, slightly disappointed, but still strong. That is, until he heard the call once again, which caused him to immediately forget the lack of worth in his previous actions. He came running despite knowing that he wouldn't make it out alive this time. His foot was caught in a trap and out of a great sacrifice, he was able to rescue the princess at the cost of his own life.

Miraculously, though, he crawled out alive. His recovery was a long and painful one. With every step, the shooting pains of memory filled his mind and body. But he rose to his feet and learned to walk again. And he found a new land with new princesses. And he learned to love again.

"I'll silence you with sex and drugs and education

Murder you in mind and heart for all you put me through

This is my last song for you

I will not be your number two."