A Captain Goes Down With His Ship

When everything is a competition, there must be winners and there must be losers. Some people are born and bred to win. Others are doomed to feel the pain of defeat. And then there are those who choose not to play the game at all. Some just want to be different. Others just don't care. But some are just so disillusioned with losing that they can't bear the thought of another game.

And so they drift downstream wherever the waters may carry them. They have no destination. They keep their eyes closed for fear of seeing something they want, for goals can lead to failure. Occasionally, they wake in the night to see the stars and they're reminded of fanciful delusions of the illusions of victory. And just for a moment, smiles creep on to their faces but disappear so quickly that one would question whether or not it was ever there at all. They remember who they are, and they go back to sleep.

But with their eyes closed all day, they don't see beauty. They don't see love and they don't see opportunity. They only see the green reflection of their own eyes because loss, pain, and heartache have sealed them shut.

"So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past"

Misplaced Digression

And so we stand with our compasses pointing us in different directions and the wind pulling our feet toward opposite corners of the world.

It started on a square divided into four equal parts. Kids feigning playful competition to score the most points, but in reality the goal was your smile. We got a little bigger, but kept it at the playground. I climbed the trees of the jungle to meet you at the top but received no token of appreciation for my efforts. It's getting a bit hot out here, why don't we take it inside?

Geography was different, geometry was distracting. Distracting from what I was really trying to learn. You kept your eyes off of me and I kept my distance. Back outside in the night's cooling air, I met you once again on the pavement. There was something different about us now, something almost tangible. We saw the stars from the roof and I forced myself to fall in love with you.

I heard you before I saw you and I listened intently. The telegram I sent broke the ice but it's shattered remains kept me chilled. You are my misplaced priorities and foolish dreams. You are the elusive figure dancing across the room with my each and every missed opportunity.

"If I could ever push this question, I'd shut my ears for the answer."

Hey, Four Eyes!

My glasses broke today.

For some reason, this made me more upset than I've been in a long time. I honestly couldn't tell you the last time I felt such rage and resentment. I couldn't tell you why I was so distressed either. I guess when you spend literally everyday with something for two years and three months, it becomes a part of you. And a part of me snapped under the pressure today. The Kraziest glue in the whole world couldn't put the pieces back in place.

I couldn't help but replay the preceding fifteen minutes in my head. Wrong place, wrong time. So many things could have gone differently to save my ill-fated spectacles. But the events transpired just precisely enough to slaughter the symmetry that the lenses once shared. It was just their time to go.

So I guess this is where I learn a lesson. It would have something to do with not sweating the small stuff. I would throw out some joke about not losing sight. Don't dwell on the past and think of what could have happened, because it didn't. I would say move on, because who cares about a pair of dumb glasses? But dammit, I loved those glasses. And sometimes the smallest break causes the most pain.

"Let's take it back to the start again,

When we didn't have an outline in our heads."

-SYG

Ties, Lies, and Alibis

It's been exactly one year today since I've listened to the song "Shine" by The Morning Of. For good reason, I suppose. It's not a good song. But a year ago today, that song made sense to me.

Life is tricky. Relationships are confusing. Girls are stupid.

So here I am, 365 days later hearing that song again. Remembering that feeling. For one night, I believed a lie so beautiful that I couldn't see the black, malevolent core of it. And four days later, that lie exposed itself for all the world to see and to make an absolute fool out of me.

A year later, I'm still here, waiting for someone to help me up off the ground. Occasionally I'll see someone and hope for a helping hand, but I just end up getting walked on again. But I'm okay with where I am. Perhaps simply because I have to be to get by. But I am okay. And I am over you.

What did you learn today, son?

The light on my printer has been blinking for two days. It seems the poor kid has a paper jam. As much as I'd love to help, I really wouldn't know what to do. So, hang in there, little guy. It'll be okay some day.

Everyone seems to be gearing up in preparation for those adventures awaiting beyond the horizon. I feel like I should follow suit, but I've always been a get-out-of-bed-and-go kind of guy. I'll go when the time comes I suppose, but right now, I think I'll just sleep.

As the end comes increasingly near, the beginning and middle won't get out of my head to make room for the new kid. I keep seeing myself as a smaller me with a smaller brain and slightly better vision. I think my eyes were a bit greener back then. I see that SUV i used to pack out on the weekdays and chase the wind in. I see a few good times, a few bad times, and a lot confusion.

The journey takes us through the darkest of caverns and over the most glorious of mountains and through majestic woods of mystery and spontaneity. It takes us next through the aftermath of heartbreak followed by the reconstruction process. Coming up on the left, you'll see the liars and the thieves.

Yes, I have regrets. But through them I've learned my own little clichés that I hope will come in handy one day. If there's one thing I can take with me from high school, it's what Regina Spektor taught me. "People are just people." The social stratification is a mere illusion meant to subdue the dreamers. That football player who stole your girl isn't better than you. He's just... different. And no, that girl is not pretty enough to use you as a stepping stool.

So much for math and science.

"It's different when you're lonely

the whole worlds in love
Holding hands between bar stools
and you're holding your tongue"

-The Good Life

Carmen Sandiego

For those ten minutes, I was smiling. Because I was just as good as anyone else in the room. Hell, I was better. I was happier.

For those ten minutes, I didn't have homework. I wasn't going to college. The real world didn't exist. I didn't need money. I didn't need anything.

For those ten minutes, you smiled back at me. It didn't matter how bad my sophomore homecoming was or that i skipped freshman year's. It didn't matter that I hated last year's prom, and it didn't matter that I would hate this year's. It didn't matter that I didn't get invited to last week's party and wouldn't get invited to next week's.

For those ten minutes, we danced, and we were happy. I didn't know your name. And for those ten minutes, I was in love.

I guess I was never really good at high school. At least I can say that I was always me. Sure do wish that was worth something.

I'm too young to grow up.

Prom With Me?

If I spent half the time I spend doing nothing doing something, I'd do some things.

The other day, my friend asked me if I was lying to him. I said, "Would I lie to you?" to which he replied, "Only if you thought it was the right thing to do." If only.

As I sit here thinking of something to think about, a million things rush into my head but escape before I can greet them. I'm feeling vague today.

So it appears that prom season is officially open. The excitement, drama, and exclusion have begun and infatuation is in the air. It appears the stage is set ever so perfectly for the breaking of hearts and the slaughter of self esteem. After all, only the fittest survive. I suppose I'm caught up in the hysteria as well to be honest, but I'm not sure if I'm up for another round of getting used and abused this year. Maybe I should stop making excuses and make a move. But then I remember that I don't have any moves.

If I spent half the time I spend thinking about my flaws working to fix them, I wouldn't be on this computer right now.