Me and My Big Mouth

Ask me if I miss high school. I won't have an answer for you. I'll probably just say that I have an exam in less than nine hours, but here I am confiding in my computer screen.

You can ask me other questions too. I won't have any answers for you. I'll just talk though... mostly about things that don't matter and neither of us care about. I'll tell you how I'm wandering in a nonexistent place that I don't believe in. You can ask me what all of this means but I'll just laugh at you. You can ask me what condition my heart is in and I'll tell you that I no longer have one.

I will give a speech on the futility I find in faith and fear. I will tell you how much I really despised everything you did to me and how much I loved you for it. I will tell you everything. You can ask me if I am happy. I'll tell you how much fun I am having.

I will tell you nothing.

One of these days, I will learn to love again.

People, Places, Things, and Letters to my Friends

Hey, Jake!

This was the first day I didn't nap in possibly my entire time here at college yet I'm still cursed with this cursed insomnia. Sleep doesn't come easy these days.

The mind really is a terrible thing. The way things are never seems to match up with the way we wish they were. Even more disheartening is that the way we wish things were very seldom matches up with the way they should be. Our ideas are not ideal. Humans sure do find a way to ruin everything.

I saw something beautiful the other day. It made my eyes turn for the first time in as long as I can remember. Unfortunately, its elegant exterior soon began to peel and I could see the lack of substance within. Nothing more than an aesthetically pleasing, empty, meaningless shell.

The colors are starting to blend, but I still see the red in the lines of these songs and the pictures of my memory. As much as I wish to hold on, the red must fade and it will fade. I'll learn to paint with new colors and call it a masterpiece and hold my tongue as I lie through my teeth.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Fondness makes the absence longer

Length loses my interest, I'm a realist, I'm insatiable...

Harboring these diminishing so called vital organs

Hope my heart goes first, I hope my heart goes first

We are beautiful, we are doomed."

Repetition and Relocation

I've never believed in ghosts but I feel like I'm being haunted. I can see the apparition through the window calling my name, but it doesn't want me to come outside. It just wants me to know it's there. I feel like I should remind it that I never forget its presence, but it doesn't really care what I have to say.

I think too much about where things started and about all the good stuff and even more too much about where things went wrong and where things left off. I don't think too much enough about where things can go from here.

I have to keep reminding myself about how it wasn't my fault. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm growing up and moving on. I have to keep reminding myself that girls aren't worth the headache or the heartache. But my heart never liked to listen to my head.

Look around, Drew. "There's gotta be more to life than complaining."

"My sober, straight face gets you out of your clothes...

You're using all your looks that you've thrown from the start
If you let me have my way I swear I'll tear you apart
Cause it's all you can be
You're a drunk and you're scared
It's ladies night, all the girls drink for free"

Eff Ladders

Love is blinding. When the heart is fully put into something, it sucks the life out the rest of the body. My eyes are fixated and my arms can't find the strength to wrench my heart loose from its paralyzed state.

I like where I am. I just wish I could focus more on it. I can feel myself getting sucked into the same old traps and I don't fight back out of some false sense of moral obligation. But it gives me a sense of pride in some inexplicable way, I suppose.

This creeped in through my neck, transmitted by the same tools that were used to burrow into my ears. One attack on the head, one straight to the heart. I miss the ignorance.

I miss.

And I missed.

"You kiss my neck, I whisper in your ear, 'this is my downfall'"

Jacket Weather

So I'm well into college now and that means big changes are occurring even as we speak. Don't worry though. My cynicism is staying very much intact. My satirical mode of living is returning and I am getting back to my abnormal way of thinking and acting. I still think girls suck. I still hate the system. I still think time is the most powerful force in the universe.

Time is doing quite a few things for me right now. It's keeping things in motion. It's leaving me behind, in classes and in other respects. It is healing me, ever so slowly. Time is bringing in new things.

These new things are drowning in my cynicism. I wish I could trust people the way I used to. But my ignorance was ripped away from me and there's not a damn thing I can do about it now.

Hopefully time will make this all real. And hopefully it will show me what is real and bring me something real. And show me who is real and bring me someone real. But reality is boring as hell anyway. Hopefully it'll teach me to forgive but not forget. And to let you be.

I just want to live my life. And maybe a few people to live it with.

The First

I keep seeing things that I don't want to see.

I keep hearing things that I don't want to hear.

When you said you miss me, it made everything a little better.

First Comes Love, then Comes Hemorrhage

How long will it take for a tree to grow in the front yard? I want a tree that I can hang a swing on. I want that swing to make this feel like home. I want to bring a girl home and push her on that swing like we're back on the playground when nothing mattered. And I want nothing to matter.

One day our kids will play in that yard while we watch.

Or...

That tree will just stand and rot alone in a sea of grass that shines green in its contentment.

Either way, time goes. One day we will know.

One day longing will turn to bitterness and then to forgiveness. And then maybe time and I won't be enemies. At least for some time.

Bury Your Dead

There's a beautiful scene in the background, but it's best not to look. There is chaos all around, and it'd be best to join. Things take time. Hopefully one day these things will give back to us, but for now, all we can do is give and let live.

Put your nose in the books and your eyes cannot turn around.

I'd be lying if I didn't tell the truth right now, but that is for the better. There is a sentence that never had a period at the end of it. There were so many plot twists in that chapter. Just when the cliché ending seemed inevitable, another catastrophe struck. And the chapter never ended. It just left the characters stranded in the trail of a sentence that led off...

But a new chapter began despite the lack of transition. And it is one that keeps the reader entertained. There are rescue missions; bouts of deadly ailment; battles against exhaustion; tests of wisdom, strength, and togetherness; new alliances; new rivalries; and a hell of a lot of potential. Potential for love, heartbreak, triumph, and defeat. The figures in this story are in for one hell of an adventure.

Live and Take

These hallways keep leading me straight into the past. They're a bit wider than the ones I'm used to but they accomplish the task all the same.

The crowds are more similar to those that I'm used to than to those I had expected.

I'm still learning more with my senses than from the sentences.

I chose this.

I wasn't ready because I had unfinished business. It's just hard to think about finishing it with someone else.

At least the time of my life is distracting me from the times before and ahead.

Eat, Drink, and Be Merry

I'm trying really hard not to think about the things I want to write about. Sometimes I wish I had a little less self control. A little impulsiveness would probably do me some good. All this logic clouds my judgment.

I wonder if I cross the line sometimes. Self control to self repression. Everybody around me seems to be pretty good at getting away with acting on their impulses and they have a damn good time doing it. Then again, I was never as good as everyone else at having fun.

"I'm a mess I guess... Life was always back and forth and we were idling or making useless progress."

Worst Christmas Ever

Someone thought it was weird when I referred to returning to my dorm room as "going home" today. I thought so too.

Things are happening and that's always good.

But I'm still writing and that's very seldom good.

"Ira mea est magna! Obduro, mea puella--sed sine te non valeo."

-Catullus