Past Time

We're too old to put cookies out for Santa anymore.

Sorry if I'm not excited coming down those stairs in the morning.

Roll and Coast

It snowed in Charlottesville today. It looked nice, and that was enough for today. Only for today.

Merry Time

Panic and chaos were absent as the ship sank into the infinite blue sea. The life boats were just out of reach as time expired and we all went under. Our last breaths were calm, our faces complacent. We didn't fight. We were too tired of fighting.

The captain hung his head in shame denying the consolation of others that there was "nothing more he could have done." The last thing his overexposed eyes saw was the sun peeking over the horizon in the distance. His last thought was that the sun was greeting him with hopeful optimism when it should have been waving goodbye. He didn't want a wave anyway. He needed a hug and kiss and someone to hold his hand as he sunk into nothing. Unfortunately, he made his final voyage alone and he regretted his passions, which only led him astray.

The crew was content. The men, women, and children smiled and wondered what they would find at the floor of the ocean.

"I'm missing you; I'm missing you. I don't want to, but I will."

Connected Dots

I'm walking down roads as slowly as I can, but their ends approach far too rapidly. The limitations of imitation kept me going straight, and now I don't know whether or not to believe in fate.

Dismal and dark and desolate. And we're cold, hungry, and desperate.

Where will we go when we find the dead end we're looking for?

Still Stuck

Tonight was the big dance. The first year semi-formal. The BIG DAY. Only it wasn't a big day. It was such an insignificant dot on our busy collegiate radars that I decided whether or not to attend less than two hours beforehand. I found myself reminded of high school and its dances and how my emotions and state of being were so affected by the events that transpired as the ripples of their disruptive splashes into our lives.

I miss the obsession. I liked how much time everyone spent preparing for and talking about these stupid, pointless dances and how the girls spent hours getting ready. The stress gave us something to worry about and the prospects of success gave us something to dream about. Now, due to what I guess is some form of maturity, no one cares about dumb school dances. At least the familiar awkwardness still abounds.

My thoughts throughout wound through a crowd of missed opportunities. Those whom I had longed to share moments with stole the moments of the present away from my attention. Too bad so few of them ever knew it, and even fewer really cared.

My priorities are grossly misplaced.

Hollow Bones

We make choices, so many choices. We see roads and we choose the ones to take. We think the right road will lead to the right place; things can change, and things can be different. If only I pick the right road. These places, however, that these roads take us to all share the same inherent inadequacies that are perceived by my pessimistic perception of the planet.

The grass won't be greener until it is no longer juxtaposed with the things that are painted by the greenness of the envy that I cover everything in. Not until the here-and-now outweigh the then and what-could-have-been will I dance again. It's self created and self perpetuated and my mind is my greatest enemy.

I will continue to build my army, but with all the force and no inspiration, I am headed down a road with no destination. Show yourself, my love, and I will run to you, and I will dance with you.

Conspirate

A man once told me to "question everything".

Things are not always as they seem. Face value is worthless. For some reason, I'm a radical, or an extremist, for questioning the way things work. To question an establishment is to be a crazy person. I believe that an open mind is worth more than most admirable qualities, and the ability to see different perspectives is priceless. Don't call me a fool for finding the fallacies when you are equally foolish in believing the blasphemy. Your beautiful America is not a place of purity and goodness. It is just as corrupt as man.

"I'm a human being goddamn it. My life has value!"

Immobilization

Stress piles up. I'll climb to the top and look out onto the scene below. There's nothing to see but the distressing lack of pleasure left in this place. The location is only a metaphor for what we're really doing and the pleasure is nothing more than an idea that once existed in a fleeting way.

Call me cynical. I'll agree with you. But I'll still stand against everything I'm supposed to stand for. I'm stuck to the past by some adhesive that represents my nostalgia in some abstract and artistic way. I hold on to pain as pain is synonymous with the time I wish to do over again, and do a better job with. I am a living contradiction of rationality. The journey of my pursuit of happiness will never even begin if I can't figure out what it is that I long for.

"Love is the answer until you get cancer. Then you're lying, dying, dead."

Hysterically Accurate

We've all got our stories.

Once upon a time, there was a boy who had learned a lot but was still quite ignorant. When he received the call, he answered and climbed the mountain without fear in the moon's light. By conquering the evils at the peak, he proved his righteousness, but received none of the rewards he felt he had earned. The princess he saved remained in her castle with a feeling of guilt for her lack of gratitude, but remained motionless. She had more hedonistic matters to attend to. The boy turned away, slightly disappointed, but still strong. That is, until he heard the call once again, which caused him to immediately forget the lack of worth in his previous actions. He came running despite knowing that he wouldn't make it out alive this time. His foot was caught in a trap and out of a great sacrifice, he was able to rescue the princess at the cost of his own life.

Miraculously, though, he crawled out alive. His recovery was a long and painful one. With every step, the shooting pains of memory filled his mind and body. But he rose to his feet and learned to walk again. And he found a new land with new princesses. And he learned to love again.

"I'll silence you with sex and drugs and education

Murder you in mind and heart for all you put me through

This is my last song for you

I will not be your number two."

Old Factory Senses

Four kinds of people stood in one place, all waiting for the same thing: movement.

The first group was a couple standing together publicly displaying their affection for one another. The effect of the affection was well rehearsed and played out as usual. The man reminisced on his heyday as a basketball star trying to impress his lady without any real need to.

The second was a freshly new couple. They were still getting to know each other but made no delay in displaying their own affection for one another.

The third type was a homeless man sitting on a bench. He was broken, cold, and alone. He overheard the conversations and his own past played through his head and he remembered what it was like to be hopeful and to feel and to move. Occasionally he would stand up and mutter something incomprehensible with no purpose or intent.

As time passed, the older (but not yet old) couple decided that their time would be better spent walking. Their prime had passed and they had no time to tarry waiting for a trolley. The old man gave up as well. He decided he had wasted enough of his life in waiting, and what the hell was the point anyway? He had nowhere to go.

The young couple stayed and waited it out. They had all the time in the world. They had all the hope in the world. And the world was beautiful.

The fourth party was me. I stood and I watched and I saw the naiveté of the young couple. I saw the motionlessness and restlessness of the lovers. I saw the broken spirit of the old man. I saw the progression of the whole world and an entire life in ten minutes and five people.

What Are We Made Of?

The month of October has produced fewer blog posts than August and September. I suppose that's a side effect of a healing heart. Bittersweet normalcy is returning and the numbness is being replaced with the realization that I'm still here and still have things to do.

I think I forgot how to fall in love, but I still remember jealousy. My eyes emanate green as I watch men succeed at things I choose to fail at. I was making forward progress. I shouldn't have looked back. I want a new focus. I'm sick to death of these memories of you haunting my sleep.

I want to fall and not break.

Teenage Tragedies

"It is my birthday. It is a new year.

I should be happy that I am still here."

My birthday has just ended and I'm feeling old. I feel as though I passed my prime long ago but I'm moving too fast to turn around and look for it.

A year ago I was in such a similar looking boat. The waves of a heartbreak finally settling around me and my head finally turning to face the direction of my movement. I could look around and look ahead for the first time in so long. And here I am with my heart once again sunk to the bottom of the sea but again with the face fading in the horizon and my head rotating. Just keep sailing on. Despite desire, the winds will not allow us to reverse direction.

So what have I learned in my first year of adulthood? Not much. I fall for the same traps.

I've been thinking about this system and I struggle to justify the way I break my back for these grades so I can get a job and raise a family. And why do I kill myself over girls and friends and doing these things that I'm expected to do? I just want to give it all up and become a vagabond, but then I just wouldn't fit in this world. (Ranting may be poor writing, but it makes me feel good.)

"And in no time we'll be spread across the earth, donning business suits to show the faceless master what we're worth."

Growing up is scary. Adulthood is boring. Teenage life is painful. Childhood was transient.

Good birthday. Good friends. Life ain't bad. Just tough sometimes. Sometimes I miss you. Sometimes I hate you. Sometimes I wish it had all gone differently. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to grow up. Sometimes I wish moments could last forever.

"So I walk myself picking at a chip on my shoulder.

I'm another day late and one year older.
It's failure by design."

Bow Ties and Arrows

"Well it's getting colder and you're getting distant

And I just keep thinking that I never meant it to be like this"

The pain fades with time, but you still creep up my spine and fill my mind. I hear words, not voices. The repercussions you brought have left my head spinning and my neck in a terrible pain. I remember exactly what you said but never knew why you said it. I'm such a "nice boy". You were so damn cute that night. And the whites in your lies matched the whites in your eyes.

My weakness is strong. It is stronger than this medicine. Laughter is the strongest thing I could find, but I think I need some narcotics. Time is too slow for me. Damn the irony.

"What a bunch of fools we lovers are."

I wanted a bountiful harvest, but you just wanted a taste of forbidden fruit. You fiend. You're fading away and I know that's exactly what I need but exactly what I lament. My head tells my arm to raise in a final goodbye but can't stop my heart from extending my hand in a futile attempt to hold on to you. How pathetic.

"Maybe I fell to fast

Maybe I pushed you away

Now you're gone and I'm afraid

That you're never coming back this way again"

I swear I'm enjoying myself... I just have a chronically broken heart.

Making Mountains

It's scary when your home becomes a dangerous place. Can't take two steps without being attacked by the ghosts of past experiences or memories that bring it all back. The pain in my chest grew and I felt the scars that remain on my heart.

"I want to talk to you so bad."

It was full of things I wished to forget and emptied of the things I longed to see.

But it was home and it felt good to see it. It felt good to see how I've grown and moved and I know that place can't hold me down. I could see us lying on that hill under the stars with no idea what was coming. But I also saw myself walk away and not look back. I saw myself moving.

"And I go crawling back to the city I love cause it's already taken everything."

Me and My Big Mouth

Ask me if I miss high school. I won't have an answer for you. I'll probably just say that I have an exam in less than nine hours, but here I am confiding in my computer screen.

You can ask me other questions too. I won't have any answers for you. I'll just talk though... mostly about things that don't matter and neither of us care about. I'll tell you how I'm wandering in a nonexistent place that I don't believe in. You can ask me what all of this means but I'll just laugh at you. You can ask me what condition my heart is in and I'll tell you that I no longer have one.

I will give a speech on the futility I find in faith and fear. I will tell you how much I really despised everything you did to me and how much I loved you for it. I will tell you everything. You can ask me if I am happy. I'll tell you how much fun I am having.

I will tell you nothing.

One of these days, I will learn to love again.

People, Places, Things, and Letters to my Friends

Hey, Jake!

This was the first day I didn't nap in possibly my entire time here at college yet I'm still cursed with this cursed insomnia. Sleep doesn't come easy these days.

The mind really is a terrible thing. The way things are never seems to match up with the way we wish they were. Even more disheartening is that the way we wish things were very seldom matches up with the way they should be. Our ideas are not ideal. Humans sure do find a way to ruin everything.

I saw something beautiful the other day. It made my eyes turn for the first time in as long as I can remember. Unfortunately, its elegant exterior soon began to peel and I could see the lack of substance within. Nothing more than an aesthetically pleasing, empty, meaningless shell.

The colors are starting to blend, but I still see the red in the lines of these songs and the pictures of my memory. As much as I wish to hold on, the red must fade and it will fade. I'll learn to paint with new colors and call it a masterpiece and hold my tongue as I lie through my teeth.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Fondness makes the absence longer

Length loses my interest, I'm a realist, I'm insatiable...

Harboring these diminishing so called vital organs

Hope my heart goes first, I hope my heart goes first

We are beautiful, we are doomed."

Repetition and Relocation

I've never believed in ghosts but I feel like I'm being haunted. I can see the apparition through the window calling my name, but it doesn't want me to come outside. It just wants me to know it's there. I feel like I should remind it that I never forget its presence, but it doesn't really care what I have to say.

I think too much about where things started and about all the good stuff and even more too much about where things went wrong and where things left off. I don't think too much enough about where things can go from here.

I have to keep reminding myself about how it wasn't my fault. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm growing up and moving on. I have to keep reminding myself that girls aren't worth the headache or the heartache. But my heart never liked to listen to my head.

Look around, Drew. "There's gotta be more to life than complaining."

"My sober, straight face gets you out of your clothes...

You're using all your looks that you've thrown from the start
If you let me have my way I swear I'll tear you apart
Cause it's all you can be
You're a drunk and you're scared
It's ladies night, all the girls drink for free"

Eff Ladders

Love is blinding. When the heart is fully put into something, it sucks the life out the rest of the body. My eyes are fixated and my arms can't find the strength to wrench my heart loose from its paralyzed state.

I like where I am. I just wish I could focus more on it. I can feel myself getting sucked into the same old traps and I don't fight back out of some false sense of moral obligation. But it gives me a sense of pride in some inexplicable way, I suppose.

This creeped in through my neck, transmitted by the same tools that were used to burrow into my ears. One attack on the head, one straight to the heart. I miss the ignorance.

I miss.

And I missed.

"You kiss my neck, I whisper in your ear, 'this is my downfall'"

Jacket Weather

So I'm well into college now and that means big changes are occurring even as we speak. Don't worry though. My cynicism is staying very much intact. My satirical mode of living is returning and I am getting back to my abnormal way of thinking and acting. I still think girls suck. I still hate the system. I still think time is the most powerful force in the universe.

Time is doing quite a few things for me right now. It's keeping things in motion. It's leaving me behind, in classes and in other respects. It is healing me, ever so slowly. Time is bringing in new things.

These new things are drowning in my cynicism. I wish I could trust people the way I used to. But my ignorance was ripped away from me and there's not a damn thing I can do about it now.

Hopefully time will make this all real. And hopefully it will show me what is real and bring me something real. And show me who is real and bring me someone real. But reality is boring as hell anyway. Hopefully it'll teach me to forgive but not forget. And to let you be.

I just want to live my life. And maybe a few people to live it with.

The First

I keep seeing things that I don't want to see.

I keep hearing things that I don't want to hear.

When you said you miss me, it made everything a little better.

First Comes Love, then Comes Hemorrhage

How long will it take for a tree to grow in the front yard? I want a tree that I can hang a swing on. I want that swing to make this feel like home. I want to bring a girl home and push her on that swing like we're back on the playground when nothing mattered. And I want nothing to matter.

One day our kids will play in that yard while we watch.

Or...

That tree will just stand and rot alone in a sea of grass that shines green in its contentment.

Either way, time goes. One day we will know.

One day longing will turn to bitterness and then to forgiveness. And then maybe time and I won't be enemies. At least for some time.

Bury Your Dead

There's a beautiful scene in the background, but it's best not to look. There is chaos all around, and it'd be best to join. Things take time. Hopefully one day these things will give back to us, but for now, all we can do is give and let live.

Put your nose in the books and your eyes cannot turn around.

I'd be lying if I didn't tell the truth right now, but that is for the better. There is a sentence that never had a period at the end of it. There were so many plot twists in that chapter. Just when the cliché ending seemed inevitable, another catastrophe struck. And the chapter never ended. It just left the characters stranded in the trail of a sentence that led off...

But a new chapter began despite the lack of transition. And it is one that keeps the reader entertained. There are rescue missions; bouts of deadly ailment; battles against exhaustion; tests of wisdom, strength, and togetherness; new alliances; new rivalries; and a hell of a lot of potential. Potential for love, heartbreak, triumph, and defeat. The figures in this story are in for one hell of an adventure.

Live and Take

These hallways keep leading me straight into the past. They're a bit wider than the ones I'm used to but they accomplish the task all the same.

The crowds are more similar to those that I'm used to than to those I had expected.

I'm still learning more with my senses than from the sentences.

I chose this.

I wasn't ready because I had unfinished business. It's just hard to think about finishing it with someone else.

At least the time of my life is distracting me from the times before and ahead.

Eat, Drink, and Be Merry

I'm trying really hard not to think about the things I want to write about. Sometimes I wish I had a little less self control. A little impulsiveness would probably do me some good. All this logic clouds my judgment.

I wonder if I cross the line sometimes. Self control to self repression. Everybody around me seems to be pretty good at getting away with acting on their impulses and they have a damn good time doing it. Then again, I was never as good as everyone else at having fun.

"I'm a mess I guess... Life was always back and forth and we were idling or making useless progress."

Worst Christmas Ever

Someone thought it was weird when I referred to returning to my dorm room as "going home" today. I thought so too.

Things are happening and that's always good.

But I'm still writing and that's very seldom good.

"Ira mea est magna! Obduro, mea puella--sed sine te non valeo."

-Catullus

A Different Shade of the Same Color

My parents and sister are in cars on the way to their new home in Texas and I am sitting in my dorm room feeling rather... homeless. Four years in that house, in that bed, in that town. I'll never see that basement again where we got a little too crazy a few too many times. Nor will I sit on that roof again where I used to sit and stare up at the sky, straining to see invisible stars as I wondered why I was on this rock instead of any of those.

I live a new life now, I guess. I don't really know how I feel about it. I'm feeling too much right now and at the same time, I feel rather numb. I feel like things are just happening and I am floating along with their current.

I can't even think straight with my mind all wrapped up in you, but you don't even exist anymore.

Vectors, Kinematics, and Deadly Elevators

College is really weird. It's weird not having a home. It's weird being with people all the time. It's weird having to care so much about class. Mostly, I guess it's weird not being a kid anymore. I like it... most of it. It's fun. But it's weird. There is no familiarity. There is no security. I miss my friends and I miss my home. I miss my childhood. But at least it's fun.

I think I'd be having the time of my life if I wasn't hoping to see your face on every girl I pass. I am ready to be sad about something else.

Nice Try

I just finished packing my drum set away along with my last bit of childhood and high school experience. All my stuff is packed and ready to venture to the next level of education with me. I found that I have a lot of extra baggage, and I don't think it's going to fit in the car with me. All of the heartache and heartbreak I suffered in high school are just gonna have to stay behind. All of this cynicism and angst aren't going to fit in the trunk of the car. So here's to new beginnings and all that stuff. Let's hope I learned from my mistakes and that I make something of myself. And let's hope I don't lose the parts of me that make me me.

Farewell, high school years. You were fun. You were difficult. You made me happy and you made me miserable. But you made me who I am.

Thanks to anyone who ever interacted with me in any way. Whether it was a conversation, a hello in the hallway, a passing insult, an epic fight, a meaningful friendship, a broken heart, or a missed appointment. You've helped shape me and prepare me for whatever the hell I'm supposed to be prepared for.

"Tonight we dance, for tomorrow they release the dogs."

Konstantly

"And I was thinking, what I was thinking
But we've been drinking
And it doesn't get me anywhere"

...This is to a girl who got into my head

With all these pretty things she did"

It's funny the way things work out... yeah, funny. All that you can really do sometimes is laugh at life. It keeps your lips from being able to form the words that you're really thinking. The questions you ask are drowned in the sea of sound and get nowhere on their mission of retrieving answers. In my head though, my mind paces the floor uncontrollably and unconsolably. And I can't stop myself from wondering "what if?" and I can't stop asking myself why this keeps happening to me and it just sucks that it's just too late.

"Did you know I miss you?"

Confusion with a 'C'

I usually have something to say when I write here, but not tonight. I just have a head full of worries. I've been so angry at the system lately. They stick us together for four years and force friendship upon us just so they can tear it apart. Time keeps moving despite my protests. I will never understand why people do the things they do and why the world works the way it does. It's all just so unfair. I guess I'm just selfish. I want things to work out my way, but is it so bad to ask for one damn victory?

I hate being on bad terms with people. I hate it even more when I don't know why.

Horseshoes and Hand Grenades

Time is relentless. After all that chasing and searching I did over the years, what I wanted finally just appeared in front of me. It was just as beautiful as I had always imagined. I heard stories and I had dreams of what it would actually be like and there it was, at last within arms' reach. I tried to grab it, but time had no intention of letting me taste this fruit that I had been waiting for for so long. Time told me that it was too late. Frustration grew and culminated in an explosion of anger, confusion, and hunger. I hated time. I hated the world for its cruel ways.

I suppose you can't fight time though. It will always win. I just hope when it said, "no" that it meant, "not yet."

Another unfortunate event for my own series. Wrong place, wrong time, wrong person. There is no blame to place. The timing was misplaced, unfortunately.

But the thing about time is that even though it cuts deeply, it heals all wounds. And I sincerely hope that it heals the both of us.

"Goodbye my love

You're brought back but you're running
I'll find sleep in the end tonight
I can't shake this little feeling
I'll never say anything right"

-bn

Remember?

Remember pre-school when the only events on our schedules were snack time and nap time? The most worrisome task we had was not to mess up when playing mother may I.

Remember when girls were gross and recess was the most important class of the day? When school was more fun than being at home?

Remember when all you wanted to do was play four-square on the black top with the girl you were going to marry?

Remember when you started hearing that school was important and you had to start paying attention and filling up your head with facts and figures and forget about moments and feelings?

Remember when you were assigned a number and that became your identity? Remember when you began to question why? Then that girl walked by and you lost your train of thought.

Remember when life became more meaningful than school? When you were more concerned with girls, friends, and fun?

Remember when you realized that the world isn't perfect and life isn't fair?

Remember when you got your heart broken?

Remember that time when you were exactly where you were supposed to be with exactly who you were supposed to be with and nothing in the entire world mattered to you except for that one moment?

Remember when they told you this wouldn't last forever?

Remember when you said goodbye to your best friend?

Remember when you said goodbye to all of your friends?

Remember when you did all of this because you were told to?

Barbarian Shop

I just got my final haircut before college. My haircut lady (Ann) finished her work and removed that weird gown thing, and I was overcome with a strange realization. I was leaving. Leaving that place was more difficult than most of my goodbyes with my friends have been. I realized that this lady has seen me grow up more than any one of my friends. She has been there for me longer than any of them too. It was so strange how something and someone and some place that I so seldom think of has been so meaningful to me.

Women came in for walk-ins. They just wanted quick trims. I couldn't help but think, "This isn't your territory. This is my home." This place is home. And now I'm leaving. And I have to find a new home.

Falling with Style

Here we stand atop a cliff. We look down and see no end to the drop. The scary part is that we all know we are going to jump. What's even scarier is we don't know where we'll land. We spent four years racing toward the edge as fast as we could, but it still caught us all off guard somehow. Now we are stopped, fearing the inevitable fall into fate. We join hands and hold on as long as we can, but time is going to provide the necessary push to send us on our way.

We look into each other's eyes and say our goodbyes. It's time to go. We shed our final tears and we leave. We leave everything on that cliff and plunge head first into our new homes. And we hope that we survive the fall. And we hope that the valleys below are prettier than the fields we used to play in. And we hope that we don't lose hope.

Bridge

If I just had more time, things could have been different. If I knew what I know now, I would have known what to do.

If I had known who I was, I wouldn't have been so afraid.

If I had known who you were, I wouldn't have wasted my time.

If I had known that there was nothing magical behind those eyes, I would have closed mine.

If I had known this was all just a game, I would not have played.

If I had known what my mind would do to me, I wouldn't have thought about it so much.

I wonder where I'm going. But if knew that, the journey wouldn't be any fun.

Peace of Cake

"No one's laughing at God when they see the one they love hand in hand with someone else and they hope that they're mistaken."

Sometimes I think there are more important things to write about and more important things to do and more important things to do than write and more important things to do than to write about doing. Try explaining that to me, though.

You all know who you are and you all know what you've done and you all know what you're doing. And I know who is responsible and I know what you're up to and I know that it's coming and I know I don't deserve it.

I found myself terrified today to find that I only found myself at peace when I was in bed, head under the covers, with the ambience of my fan and my laptop singing it's sweet lullabies.

Interiorate

Where has the motivation gone?

Far, far away. That's where I'm going soon, so hopefully I will be able to find it there.

Writing is difficult these days because my brain has been stuck somewhere.

Somewhere in the future, looking ahead and returning only momentarily to deliver its dreadful reports of the rocky roads ahead. The roads seem to deteriorate as my thoughts wear them down.

Somewhere in the past so it can remind me. I won't forget my roots. I won't forget lessons learned. Unfortunately, I have a lot of good memories.

Somewhere in the land of thieves. All they do is take, take, take. Vultures. They are heartless so they steal what they lack from the unsuspecting travelers.

I want my mind back.

Bear Clause

Back in the day, if you were caught stealing something, you'd most likely have your hand cut off. I've had a few things stolen from me recently. As for my money, I'd like to find the culprit and teach him a thing or two about respecting other people's property. As for the other stolen goods, I am largely to blame for the loss. My head turned in moment of overwhelming naiveté and by the time it swung back around, it was too late.

I knew right away who dunnit: a cunning thief with no ill intention. There was probably no intention whatsoever. Just a plan that someone forgot to think through. How does one punish such a crime? How does the thief repent? The goods can be returned, but they will undoubtedly be shattered from the careless methods of transport. That leaves the two parties in a tense standoff. It seems an apology is the best there is to offer. And it seems forgiveness is all one can give in return.

"My every medicine causes more illness."

Bear Pause

I've added a new chapter to my story. It's called "I am a damn fool".

"the trap I set for you seems to have caught my leg instead."

The Begending

The end of a journey is finally here, and we stare in silence. My head is stuck facing the rear, dwelling on all we've been through. I hear how beautiful the view on the horizon is, but I am fixated. I hope that something will catch my attention and redirect my eyes from reflection to ambition. But for now, there are no words.

A Captain Goes Down With His Ship

When everything is a competition, there must be winners and there must be losers. Some people are born and bred to win. Others are doomed to feel the pain of defeat. And then there are those who choose not to play the game at all. Some just want to be different. Others just don't care. But some are just so disillusioned with losing that they can't bear the thought of another game.

And so they drift downstream wherever the waters may carry them. They have no destination. They keep their eyes closed for fear of seeing something they want, for goals can lead to failure. Occasionally, they wake in the night to see the stars and they're reminded of fanciful delusions of the illusions of victory. And just for a moment, smiles creep on to their faces but disappear so quickly that one would question whether or not it was ever there at all. They remember who they are, and they go back to sleep.

But with their eyes closed all day, they don't see beauty. They don't see love and they don't see opportunity. They only see the green reflection of their own eyes because loss, pain, and heartache have sealed them shut.

"So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past"

Misplaced Digression

And so we stand with our compasses pointing us in different directions and the wind pulling our feet toward opposite corners of the world.

It started on a square divided into four equal parts. Kids feigning playful competition to score the most points, but in reality the goal was your smile. We got a little bigger, but kept it at the playground. I climbed the trees of the jungle to meet you at the top but received no token of appreciation for my efforts. It's getting a bit hot out here, why don't we take it inside?

Geography was different, geometry was distracting. Distracting from what I was really trying to learn. You kept your eyes off of me and I kept my distance. Back outside in the night's cooling air, I met you once again on the pavement. There was something different about us now, something almost tangible. We saw the stars from the roof and I forced myself to fall in love with you.

I heard you before I saw you and I listened intently. The telegram I sent broke the ice but it's shattered remains kept me chilled. You are my misplaced priorities and foolish dreams. You are the elusive figure dancing across the room with my each and every missed opportunity.

"If I could ever push this question, I'd shut my ears for the answer."

Hey, Four Eyes!

My glasses broke today.

For some reason, this made me more upset than I've been in a long time. I honestly couldn't tell you the last time I felt such rage and resentment. I couldn't tell you why I was so distressed either. I guess when you spend literally everyday with something for two years and three months, it becomes a part of you. And a part of me snapped under the pressure today. The Kraziest glue in the whole world couldn't put the pieces back in place.

I couldn't help but replay the preceding fifteen minutes in my head. Wrong place, wrong time. So many things could have gone differently to save my ill-fated spectacles. But the events transpired just precisely enough to slaughter the symmetry that the lenses once shared. It was just their time to go.

So I guess this is where I learn a lesson. It would have something to do with not sweating the small stuff. I would throw out some joke about not losing sight. Don't dwell on the past and think of what could have happened, because it didn't. I would say move on, because who cares about a pair of dumb glasses? But dammit, I loved those glasses. And sometimes the smallest break causes the most pain.

"Let's take it back to the start again,

When we didn't have an outline in our heads."

-SYG

Ties, Lies, and Alibis

It's been exactly one year today since I've listened to the song "Shine" by The Morning Of. For good reason, I suppose. It's not a good song. But a year ago today, that song made sense to me.

Life is tricky. Relationships are confusing. Girls are stupid.

So here I am, 365 days later hearing that song again. Remembering that feeling. For one night, I believed a lie so beautiful that I couldn't see the black, malevolent core of it. And four days later, that lie exposed itself for all the world to see and to make an absolute fool out of me.

A year later, I'm still here, waiting for someone to help me up off the ground. Occasionally I'll see someone and hope for a helping hand, but I just end up getting walked on again. But I'm okay with where I am. Perhaps simply because I have to be to get by. But I am okay. And I am over you.

What did you learn today, son?

The light on my printer has been blinking for two days. It seems the poor kid has a paper jam. As much as I'd love to help, I really wouldn't know what to do. So, hang in there, little guy. It'll be okay some day.

Everyone seems to be gearing up in preparation for those adventures awaiting beyond the horizon. I feel like I should follow suit, but I've always been a get-out-of-bed-and-go kind of guy. I'll go when the time comes I suppose, but right now, I think I'll just sleep.

As the end comes increasingly near, the beginning and middle won't get out of my head to make room for the new kid. I keep seeing myself as a smaller me with a smaller brain and slightly better vision. I think my eyes were a bit greener back then. I see that SUV i used to pack out on the weekdays and chase the wind in. I see a few good times, a few bad times, and a lot confusion.

The journey takes us through the darkest of caverns and over the most glorious of mountains and through majestic woods of mystery and spontaneity. It takes us next through the aftermath of heartbreak followed by the reconstruction process. Coming up on the left, you'll see the liars and the thieves.

Yes, I have regrets. But through them I've learned my own little clichés that I hope will come in handy one day. If there's one thing I can take with me from high school, it's what Regina Spektor taught me. "People are just people." The social stratification is a mere illusion meant to subdue the dreamers. That football player who stole your girl isn't better than you. He's just... different. And no, that girl is not pretty enough to use you as a stepping stool.

So much for math and science.

"It's different when you're lonely

the whole worlds in love
Holding hands between bar stools
and you're holding your tongue"

-The Good Life

Carmen Sandiego

For those ten minutes, I was smiling. Because I was just as good as anyone else in the room. Hell, I was better. I was happier.

For those ten minutes, I didn't have homework. I wasn't going to college. The real world didn't exist. I didn't need money. I didn't need anything.

For those ten minutes, you smiled back at me. It didn't matter how bad my sophomore homecoming was or that i skipped freshman year's. It didn't matter that I hated last year's prom, and it didn't matter that I would hate this year's. It didn't matter that I didn't get invited to last week's party and wouldn't get invited to next week's.

For those ten minutes, we danced, and we were happy. I didn't know your name. And for those ten minutes, I was in love.

I guess I was never really good at high school. At least I can say that I was always me. Sure do wish that was worth something.

I'm too young to grow up.

Prom With Me?

If I spent half the time I spend doing nothing doing something, I'd do some things.

The other day, my friend asked me if I was lying to him. I said, "Would I lie to you?" to which he replied, "Only if you thought it was the right thing to do." If only.

As I sit here thinking of something to think about, a million things rush into my head but escape before I can greet them. I'm feeling vague today.

So it appears that prom season is officially open. The excitement, drama, and exclusion have begun and infatuation is in the air. It appears the stage is set ever so perfectly for the breaking of hearts and the slaughter of self esteem. After all, only the fittest survive. I suppose I'm caught up in the hysteria as well to be honest, but I'm not sure if I'm up for another round of getting used and abused this year. Maybe I should stop making excuses and make a move. But then I remember that I don't have any moves.

If I spent half the time I spend thinking about my flaws working to fix them, I wouldn't be on this computer right now.

Innocence, In a Sense

We are all heroes, aren't we? All of us are saints with nothing but good intentions. Accuse me of wrongdoing? How dare you!

You must hold a shield to defend yourself from the evils of this world. Tell us, please, what the sword in your opposite hand is for. No, you keep the sword a secret. Those beneath you need no explanation as to its utility. You use it to cut them down. Keep them subdued. A voice is a threat. Dissenters mustn't be heard. So, keep the peasants in their places while your people praise the massacre.

Five

"There is a loneliness in this world
So great that you can see it in the slow movement of the hands of a clock
People so tired, mutilated, either by love or no love.
People just are not good to each other.
We are afraid.
Our educational system tells us that we can all be big winners
But it hasn't told us about the gutters or the suicides.
Or the terror of one person aching in one place
Alone, untouched, and unspoken to.

People are not good to each other.

People are not good to each other."

-Charles Bukowski

Straight Lines

Whenever I'm driving I get frustrated with the cars who feel the need to pass me despite the fact that I'm already going (or maybe even slightly exceeding) the speed limit. We get it, your car is fast. What are you always in such a hurry for? What is it that's worth risking a speeding ticket for? Slow down.

People are always in such a hurry to get from point A to B. They become so obsessed with the destination that they forget what's in between. Well what's in between is life and no one seems to slow down and enjoy that anymore. Everyone says they just want to be done with high school. Everyone wants to go to college. Well what are you gonna do when you're sick of college? What about when you're sick of your job? Eventually we get sick of life.

So slow down. Take your eyes off of the destination and look at what's around you. You may find that you've made quite a mess of where you are with your neglect and tunnel vision. You may find that there are some sights worth seeing along the way. You may find that the countryside is beautiful and you've been missing out.

Mercantilism

If you love something, let it go... unless it loves you back. Then, my friend, hold on for dear life. Whatever it is is worth more than anything in this world. It is a lifelong search completed. An elusive dream of the masses. Reciprocation is what we strive for. Love is not an investment. Do not waste it on those who do not appreciate it.

To the receivers, appreciate those who give. Don't reward kindness with animosity, good intentions with put downs, a kind word with a call out. You are not that important, you are not that cool, you are not that pretty. People will take abuse from a pretty face. This phenomenon has perplexed me for quite some time. Is a flower's poison any less deadly than that of a venomous snake? Obsessions with appearance and status: they're all around us. We are blinded by it.

We commend evil. We reward it. We shower it with attention as long as it benefits us in return. Doesn't anyone ever stop to ask why anymore?

Immerse yourself in love as Thom Yorke taught us. Screw these status symbols. Screw wasting time struggling along the long road to the middle. I don't have to earn anyone's approval. I don't have to earn anyone's love. Your condescending way of life no longer phases me. I am who I am, where I am, when I am. And I am okay with that.

Newton's Third Law

Force: a : to raise or accelerate to the utmost b : to produce only with unnatural or unwilling effort c : to, strain, or use (language) with marked unnaturalness and lack of ease

By definition, forcing is unnatural. Then why is it so natural for us to want to force things to happen? The desire for results. Impatience. The strength of our desires turns our attention from the foolishness of it all. Force causes acceleration. Acceleration sounds nice. I want what I want and I want it now. Foolishness. Impatience. Every force, unfortunately, causes an equal and opposite force. You can't force fun. You can't force love. You can't force happiness. It always backfires.